I Will Meet You in the Clearing
by Random1377
Summary: A glimpse into Maya's Instrumentality.  Rated M for some rough language and strong sexual content.


Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Studio Gainax animation, not me. Should they (or anyone affiliated with them) request it, I will remove all traces of this story from the web, rather than face legal action.  Furthermore, this story contains sexual material, discussions of sexual practices, and analyses of lesbianism.  Please do not read if this type of material offends you or if you are under the legal age to view such material in your state and/or country. Thank you.

I Will Meet You in the Clearing at the End of the Woods

By Random1377

**_You loved her._**

An empty room… a single chair… a hot spotlight overhead.

**_You loved her._**

The woman keeps her head buried in her hands, refusing to look past the safe, familiar surfaces of her palms.  "Please," she whispers to no one in particular, "I want to go home."

**_You loved her._**

She flinches as the quiet, unrelenting voice repeats itself once more.  "I don't know what you mean!" she cries, trying to believe what she is saying, "Please – I want to go HOME!!"

**_You loved her._**

A long silence… a soft whisper.

"Yes…"

Her eyes close… the past fills them…

_"So you're my new understudy?"_

_Maya Ibuki nodded, hurrying to keep up with her new supervisor. "Yes, ma'am," she replied, glancing around at the brightly lit halls of the newly finished installation._

_She caught a glimpse of herself in one of the polished steel walls that lined this division.  She studied herself critically: brown eyes, brown hair, brown uniform – brown, brown, brown… a bevy of boring earth tone going on forever._

_"Are you coming?"  _

_"Yes Sempai," she replied without a second thought, blushing slightly at the inadvertent honorific as she hurried to catch up to her superior._

_"Sempai?" the blonde laughed, "Well there's a term I don't hear very often.  You can call me that if you like, or Doctor Akagi, whichever you prefer.  I'm not THAT old, you know."_

_Maya considered this.  It really _was_ an old-fashioned term – and very scholastic, to boot.  Suddenly, she felt very, very young._

_"Will I be trained on the MAGI system today… Doctor Akagi?"_

_The older woman laughed, glancing briefly at the clipboard she was carrying.  "Not today, Lieutenant," she chuckled, pausing at an elevator; "Today you'll meet your coworkers and get your seating assignment."  She glanced briefly at the newly hired tech, grinning openly as she said, "I'll have to see what I can do about earning that 'Sempai' back, though.  Now that I think about it, I kinda like the sound of it."_

_Maya kept her eyes down, smiling in spite of herself.  "Guess we'll see what happens."_

"Yes," the woman whispers, raising her head and looking at her reflection in the mirrored wall before her, "I loved Ritsuko Akagi."

The past rushes in once more.

_"I've got an odd reading from Caspar, Doctor Akagi."_

_The blonde walked over to Maya's desk.  "So I see," she said thoughtfully.  "Suggestions?"_

_"Well," Maya said slowly, "it LOOKS like an error in coding, Ma'am, but that's a section you did."_

_"Check it."_

_Maya swallowed, unnerved by the sudden ice in the woman's voice.  "Yes ma'am."  She brought up the line of code in question; her eyes scanning the data until they found what she knew would be there.  "Looks like an incorrect integer," she said, her voice faint as her superior's green eyes bored into hers, "just… a little typo."_

_Slowly, the blonde smiled.  "Nice catch, Lieutenant," she said approvingly, "It's good to know that you won't hesitate to point out a mistake – no matter whose it is."  She stretched, patting the tech on the shoulder.  "Guess I chose well."_

_"Th-thank you, ma'am…"_

Behind the woman, a young boy with brown hair appears.  "From that day forward, you sought her attention and approval."

"Yes," the woman whispers, "it was like I was high when she praised me – me, a nobody from nowhere, being praised by the head of Project E."  She bows her head.  "How could I not want more of that?"

_"Doctor Akagi!"_

_Ritsuko__ glanced up from her clipboard.  "Oh, hello Lieutenant," she said, frowning as she reviewed her papers, "aren't you here a little late?"_

_"I was working on the Unit 00 activation procedures," Maya said brightly, "I think I've isolated the error in the neural connection."_

_Ritsuko__ nodded, still rifling through her papers.  "Excellent job," she said honestly, "I've been working on that for two days now."_

_Maya's smile faded a bit as she was not given the attention she felt she deserved.  "Is… something wrong, Sempai?"_

_The blonde sighed.  "Well I've been looking for this number for an hour and a…" she trailed off, looking up with a victorious grin._

_"Find it?" Maya asked brightly._

_"No," Ritsuko shook her head, "you just called me Sempai."_

_Maya blushed.  "I…"_

_Ritsuko__ laughed out loud, her disappointment at misplacing her lover's new phone number forgotten for a moment as her understudy fumbled for words.  "You can't take it back now!" she said happily.  "You respect me! HA!"_

A man with an unshaven face and a short ponytail appears at the woman's side.  "Your loyalty was unswerving," he says quietly, "your faith – absolute."

_"Sempai?"__ Maya asked cautiously, stepping into her supervisor's office._

_"What is it, Lieutenant?" Ritsuko asked absently, "I've got to get this report in… is it important?"_

_Maya fidgeted, "I'm not really sure," she confessed, "it's about, umm… Mister Kaji."_

_Ritsuko__ stopped typing.  "What about him?"_

_There was a moment of quiet.  "He asked me out."_

_Ritsuko__ continued typing.  "Have fun."_

_"B-but," Maya stammered, feeling oddly disappointed at the lack of reaction, "he asked me a couple things about the MAGI when we were talking – just little things, you know?  But you said I should tell you if anyone asked about the system."_

_Slowly, Ritsuko pushed her keyboard tray back under the desk and turned her chair around.  "Tell me everything," she said quietly._

"Even when you knew she was wrong," a young redheaded girl says, appearing from nowhere directly in front of the woman, "you still did as you were told."

"I believed in her!" the woman cries, "She was… everything I wanted to be."

 _"People with a fastidious nature are always uncomfortable doing things they consider 'wrong,'" Ritsuko said, ignoring Maya's look of uncertainty, "You'll understand once you've gotten your hands dirty."_

"And do you understand now?" the boy asks, standing now at the woman's shoulder.

"Shinji," the woman moans, "I didn't mean to hurt you.  The dummy pl-"

"You understand what she meant?" the boy presses, ignoring her apology.

"Yes…"

_"Will Suzhara, I mean, the Fourth Child be ok, Sempai?" Maya asked hopefully, trying to keep stride with the blonde as she marched through the depths of NERV._

_"How should I know?" Ritsuko replied flatly, never slowing down as she walked towards the commander's office.  "He's young, he's alive – what more do you want?"_

_"But-"_

_"I have a meeting, Lieutenant," Ritsuko cut in coldly, "go back to your post."_

_Maya flinched, coming up short as the woman continued walking.  "Yes ma'am…"_

**_And still, you love her._**

"Yes," the woman whispers, "I do."

_"Is this it?"_ _Maya managed, her hands shaking as she watched the meters on her laptop shoot to the top.  "Is this the answer I've been looking for?"_

_She shivered as a pair of slender hands slipped over her shoulders, typing a short message on the screen._

_"Sempai?"___

_Maya turned around, finding Ritsuko sitting behind her and smiling warmly._

_"Sempai!" she cried, elated and relieved.  _

_Now she would be safe – she knew she would.  Sempai would know what to do.  Sempai would protect her. Sempai would make this awful dream go away._

_On the laptop's screen, the message continued to flash:  I need you._

The woman puts her head in her hands and weeps.

**_Perhaps this would be better._**

"Hmm?"

**

**Maya awoke, feeling groggy and rundown.  "Mmmm… it's late," she yawned, "wake up."**

**In bed next to her, the young woman's lover stirred, trying to bury her face in the bedspread.  "'nother hour…" the blonde yawned, "too sleepy…"**

**"We've got to get to work," Maya said reasonably, stifling another yawn, "c'mon."**

**Abruptly, she was seized around the waist and hauled back under the covers, her mouth occupied with a passionate, loving kiss before she could say a word.**

**"Mmm…" Maya hummed, her will to fight vanishing in an instant as the other woman embraced her, "no fair – you can't keep doing that every time I want to… mmmm…"**

**"You have it coming," came the playfully whispered reply, "and it's your fault we were up so late, you pervert – I wanted to sleep, but noooo…"**

**"No you didn't!" Maya protested, blushing brightly, "you were the one that star-mmmm… stop doing that!"**

**"Stop?" her lover asked innocently, "or do it more?"**

**Maya tried incoherently to point out that they were going to be late, but before she could formulate a proper argument there were hands on her body, and she was naked, and comfortable, and warm, and loved… and suddenly – there seemed to be no reason to fight.  She sank back to the bed, imagining that she could hear her mother's voice raging in her mind that she was a worthless whore, a godless sinner, a fucking dyke – every hateful, horrible insult in the world.**

**But before she could fall into despair, she felt that elusive heat rising in her body, moving slowly from the place the other woman's lips and tongue were so skillfully stimulating her and spreading until every inch of her body was glowing with heat, and thoughts of right or wrong simply did not matter.  At times like these, thoughts of immorality and societal rejection just melted away, leaving her with nothing but pleasure and happiness and the burning, pure, untainted desire to be with this other woman, no matter what others thought.**

**With all this in mind, it really was not any wonder that she succumbed to her lover's desire, crying out with passionate release as she was pushed again and again over that delicious, gratifying edge, letting go so many times that she ultimately collapsed on the bed with a content sigh, smiling dreamily as she willingly gave consciousness away.**

**When next she awoke, it was to the sound of running water in the bathroom and Mozart on the apartment's small CD player.**

**"Ritsuko?" she yawned, covering her mouth and glancing at the clock.  "Ritsuko?  We're already late – we've gotta get going."**

**"I called us in sick," Ritsuko's voice replied from the bathroom.**

**"You did?" Maya asked uncertainly, sitting up in bed and pulling the sheet up to her shoulders.  "Won't that, umm… won't people talk?"**

**There was a moment of quiet as the water turned off and Ritsuko appeared in the bathroom doorway.  Maya felt her face coloring as she watched an errant drop of water roll down her lover's sleek, taut stomach.  Ritusko never seemed to have a problem with nudity, and often spent entire off days with nothing on, trying to convince Maya to do the same.**

**_I just can't be like that,_ Maya thought, trying not to watch as Ritsuko began toweling herself dry.**

**After another moment of silence, Ritsuko draped the towel over her shoulders and whispered, "They already talk, Maya."**

**Maya gasped.  "R-really??" she stammered, "But… but how long have-"**

**She was cut off as Ritsuko walked straight up to her, knelt on the bed in front of her, and took her face in her hands, kissing her deeply.  "Who cares?" she said gently.  "I love you, Maya, and you love me – who cares if some morons at some lame software company spread a little gossip?  Hmm?"  She grinned suddenly, leaning forward and sucking briefly on Maya's bottom lip.  "You know that new operations tech?" she said, her voice teasing and wicked, "Katsuragi?"**

**"P-purple hair, right?"**** Maya gasped, shivering as Ritsuko kissed her again.**

**"She asked me if it was true," Ritsuko breathed, embracing the younger woman and biting gently on her shoulder, tugging the sheet out of her hands to bare her chest, "and do you know why?"**

**Maya knew she was blushing again as Ritsuko pressed herself against her.  "W-why?"**

**"She wants you."**

**"What!?"******

**Ritsuko**** laughed softly, kissing Maya's earlobe.  "That's right," she confirmed, "she said, 'Are you guys exclusive or just kind of fooling around?  Because I would love to take her out – she's so damn cute!'  Those were her exact words."**

**"And… what did you say?" Maya asked hesitantly, belatedly returning the blonde's embrace.**

**Slowly, Ritsuko eased her back on the bed, keeping her wrapped in her arms and kissing her deeply before responding, "I told her she better keep her hands off you because you belong to me and I won't let anyone else have you."**

**"Ritsuko!"**** Maya gasped.**

**"She was mad," Ritsuko smiled softly, "she wanted you so much, Maya… but you're mine."**

**Maya closed her eyes as her lover began touching her once more.  "Why," she swallowed, knowing she would have to say this, "why does every conversation we have somehow lead to sex?  Why does _everything_ we do lead to sex?"**

**She expected a sharp or petulant response (the blonde was short tempered sometimes, especially when talking about the 'is our love true' discussion), but Ritsuko simply sighed, burying her face against the side of Maya's neck and whispering, "Because I love you.  I love the feel of your body against mine… the way you taste and smell… the way you whisper my name in that little breathy voice when you're about to come."  She shivered.  "I… love making love to you, Maya.  With you, I'm the closest I've ever been to anyone – ever… and I can't help wanting to show you, every chance I get, how into you I am."**

**Never, in all her twenty-four years, had Maya ever heard anything so sweet… and then Ritsuko superceded it.**

**"I want to marry you."**

"**R-really??"******

**"Really," Ritsuko nodded, "Will you?"**

**"Yes!" Maya cried happily, "Of course I will!"**

**"People will talk," Ritsuko said chidingly.**

**"I don't care," Maya replied, throwing her arms around the older woman, "as long as I'm with you."**

**

"I see," the woman whispers softly, "so… so I am… like that…"

"This is only another possibility," the man explains, "Reality is what you make of it.  If you see yourself being happy in another's arms, you will be happy in another's arms."

"But if you see yourself as lonely and rejected, you will be lonely and rejected," the redheaded girl observes quietly, "Ultimately, the choice is yours."

The room fades to total blackness.  Only the chair, the woman, and the spotlight remain.

"But I don't like myself…"

Silence for a moment, then the boy appears in front of the woman, unsmiling as he whispers, "Then you will never be able to care for another."

Darkness again.

The woman bows her head.  "I know," she whispers, her words barely audible, "Mother made that very clear…"

_"You are NOT going out with that little brat, do you hear me?" Maya's mother said flatly, ignoring her daughter as she continued to prepare their meager dinner, "I mean it, Maya – you are not going whoring around with-"_

_"Mother!"__ Maya gasped, mortified, "I'm not… Soichi and me… we don't do that, Mother, we-"_

_"You're no good – just like your father," the old woman cut in with a gusty sigh.  "Knew you would be from the moment you were born… you have his eyes."_

_Maya clutched her small evening purse tightly and glancing at the clock with an agonized expression.  "I'll… we'll be back by ten, Mother," she said pleadingly, "please, it's… it's Prom."_

_"Oh I know what it is," the old woman said, assessing her daughter with cold detachment, "three hundred teens in a hotel for the evening with smuggled in booze and couples fucking in every available corner."_

_"Mother!!"___

_The old woman sighed, a very long-suffering sound that seemed to last a full minute.  "That's what you get in this day and age, I suppose," she said airily, returning to her task of pulling stalks of celery from a large bundle.  "You kids think just because Second Impact lessened the population a little it's your God-given right to go out screwing the night away and getting knocked up at 16."_

_"I'm… I'm 17, Mother," Maya replied, feeling her determination wavering under her mother's harsh, cold stare, "and… and I don't do those kinds of things – I'm… I'm a good girl."_

_"Then you'll stay home," the old woman said smoothly, "like a good girl – there's nothing for a good girl at a party like that.  If you were HALF as smart as your father, you'd be studying to get into a good university and working to get a good paying job.  Believe me, Maya, you can't rely on anyone in this world – only yourself." She sighed deeply.  "Of course, I can't FORCE you to do anything.  You're old enough to make your own choices – I just hoped you wouldn't end up being the kind of girl to leave your mother alone when she needs you most."_

_For a very long moment, Maya stared at the door, the look of longing on her youthful face unmistakable as she imagined the kind-hearted boy waiting so patiently for her to arrive.  Words of anger flared in her mind – bitch, whore, hate you, leaving, never coming home, hate youhateyouHATEYOU!! …but ultimately, Maya simply whispered, "Yes Mother," and did as she was told._

"Just like I always do."

"Then you met _her_," the redheaded girl says calmly.

"Strong," the boy murmurs, "confident. Controlling, but respecting at the same time.  Unafraid of her sexuality, and uncaring of other's opinions."

The man appears in front of the woman's chair, smiling softly.  "How could you not love her…?"

_"Maya, could you run the MAGI tests just one more time for me?"_

_Maya looked up from her terminal, frowning as she caught Hyouga's eye.  "But… the Sub-Commander said everything was ok, Sempai," she pointed out reluctantly._

_Ritsuko__ nodded, covering a yawn with the palm of her hand.  "I know what he said," she replied calmly, "but he's not the one in charge of the MAGI's upkeep, is he?  No, that's my job… and if I say we need another threshold test, we run another threshold test, understood?  Now change the tolerance level to five point seven."_

_"Yes, Sempai."___

_The command deck was silent for five minutes as Maya entered the necessary commands._

_"Th-the readings from Melchior have changed!" Maya gasped, her brow furrowing as her eyes traced the lines of code on her screen.  "There's degradation in the main memory module – one percent damaged in a non-essential quadrant."_

_Ritsuko__ smiled smugly.  "I knew it," she muttered, "Execute maintenance routine three zero one to correct… I'm going to lunch."_

"She was always right," the woman marvels, shaking her head in wonder, "always."

"And she always noticed," the ponytailed man says softly, "she never failed to compliment."

"No… she didn't…"

_"Good job, Lieutenant!"_

_"Excellent work!"___

_"You're the best!"_

_"Fantastic!"_

"She was what your mother never was," the boy says, "what she could never _be_."

"She showed you everything you wanted to see," the redheaded girl adds, speaking over the woman's shoulder, "and some things you did not."

"And in the end," the man concludes, "you fell willingly into her arms, crying for joy."

**_But_**

"But," the woman agrees, wiping her eyes and straightening her back, "but even though everyone thought we were… were lovers… I was never really… comfortable when I was alone with her…"

_"You ok, Maya?" Ritsuko asked, looking up from her desk with a small smile, "you seem kind of tense today."_

_"N-no!"__ Maya said quickly, shaking her head for emphasis and refocusing on her terminal_

_Ritsuko__ laughed as the younger woman reached for her coffee mug, jarring it with her hand and slopping some of the dark liquid onto the desk.  "Maybe you should try decaf," she chuckled, rising from her desk and moving to stand behind the younger woman, "here… try to relax a bit."_

_Maya felt her shoulders tightening as the blonde's hands settled onto them, kneading them gently.  She tried to calm down… but the quiet of her superior's office was unnerving for some reason, making her feel especially vulnerable._

_"Doing anything on the weekend?"_

_It was a testament to how high-strung Maya was that this simple question nearly made her leap out of her seat.  "No… big plans, Sempai…" she admitted, feeling her heartbeat picking up as the soft kneading finally began to take effect, loosening her muscles considerably._

_"You should get out more," Ritsuko laughed softly, "go on a date or something."_

_"R-right."___

_After a moment of quiet, Maya's tensions were finally eased as her superior whispered, "Can you keep a secret?  The reason I was late today wasn't because my car wouldn't start – I was on a date myself."_

"Confirmation," the man announces clearly, his voice ringing in the darkness, "a clear indication of romantic involvement with another."

"And yet," the redheaded girl whispers, "no designation of 'him, he, or his,' leaving the ultimate question unanswered."

"After that," the boy muses softly, "it was even easier to love her, wasn't it?  She was seeing someone… she was unavailable… she wasn't a risk…"

"Yes," the woman admits awkwardly, "after that, I never had a problem spending time alone with her, and I… I wondered if it _was_ another woman she was dating – I even imagined which one it might be, putting her with all the other female technicians and NERV personnel to see if it fit in my mind."

**_And did it?_**

There is a long, long silence… and finally, the woman rises to her feet.

"It doesn't matter anymore," she says firmly, turning in place and looking around the still, empty room, "the question was asked… and I've answered it."  She lowers her eyes to the floor.  "I love her… but now I can see that I love her as a mother…

_Ritsuko__, smiling and praising._

"…as a superior…"

_Ritsuko__, her lab coat swirling around her as she storms onto the command deck, shouting orders._

"…as a friend…"

_Ritsuko__, telling Maya about her date, offering her an honest smile that only one or two others will ever see._

"She once told me that life is like a forest, with a clearing at one end where you can come rest from your journey through the trees anytime you want… after you find it.  She told me that she thought she'd found her clearing, and that she was sure I would someday."  The woman closes her eyes.  "I don't think I have, just yet, but… but I can say, now – with absolutely no reservation – that when I reach that clearing, I will meet her there."

Silence once more.

"I do love you, Sempai," the woman whispers.  "Wait for me, ok?"

**_Yes…_**

**

Maya broke the surface of the water in total disorientation, choking on a mouthful of the liquid as she sputtered and cast around for dry land.  "Makoto?" she called, treading water and glancing fearfully all around, "Shigeru?  Mister Futusuki?  …Sempai?  Can anyone hear me?!?"

Though there was no reply, Maya wasted no time flailing about and hoping for someone to save her.  Finding the shore, she began swimming for it, her mind racing as she spotted several landmarks in the distance.  _This is the Geofront,_ she thought, pulling herself out of the water and gasping for breath, _no… this is where the Geofront WAS…_

She lay on her back, staring up at the gaping sky.  "It's all gone," she whispered, dazed by the truth of it.  Where the Geofront once resided, there was nothing but a wide open crater, barren and devoid of anything manmade.  A light breeze washed over her, making her shiver as she rose to her feet and surveyed the emptiness.

"God…"

Maya could think of nothing else to say as she gaped at the gigantic, vacantly staring head of Rei Ayanami, resting several miles off in the red-tinged ocean lapping gently at her feet.

_Not water,_ she thought, pulling her eyes away from the massive head to regard the liquid, _LCL… it's all LCL!_

She started as a soft sob reached her ears, turning to find, "Shinji…?"

Maya stood uncertain, entirely at a loss for words as she stared at the two teens lying together on the white sand.  Asuka seemed unfazed by the fact that Shinji was straddling her waist and sobbing like a little child.  In fact, the Second seemed to be almost unaware that she was alive at all, her chest barely rising and falling as she stared up into the vast sky above.

There was never any doubt in her mind that she would go help the two Children.  As far as she could see, there were no other survivors of the Impact, and it was clear that Asuka was pretty badly hurt… but it still surprised Maya just how hard it was to take the first step towards the teens, and in the back of her mind, she could almost hear Ritsuko's voice whispering, 'Good job, Lieutenant,' one last time.

_I'll see you again, Sempai,_ the tech thought as she started towards the two pilots, straightening her back and deciding then and there that she would be the one to protect them in this strange, broken new world.  _We'll meet in that clearing you told me about… as friends, as mother and daughter, as… anything you'll let me be to you._

"Asuka!  Shinji!  Are you ok!?"

Maya quickened her pace, raising her hand and waving vigorously as the teens finally took notice of her.

_I'll come to that clearing just as soon as I can… and I know I'll find you there, Ritsuko._

The End

Author's Notes: I really, really hope I was able to accomplish what I set out to do in this fic, namely showing Maya's point of view during Instrumentality and illustrate one of the possibilities for the whole 'Sempai, Sempai!!' sequence in End of Evangelion.  The idea for this story came to me rather suddenly, as did the basic structure and setup, but I don't know how well I captured the initial _feel_ of the idea.  Below you will find the original outline, showing what the story was _supposed_ to be about.  Clearly, some details changed, but hopefully the core idea remained.  Let me know if I got it right.

**_Original concept:_**

_Maya's instrumentality.__Ana__lysis of homosexual tendencies and thoughts, possibly stemming from a strong, but emotionally cold mother.__  Classic instrumentality scene: Maya in a folding chair being grilled by the rest of the cast, emphasizing Misato, Ritsuko, Fuyutsuki, Gendou.  Possibly interject Shinji – reason being that she saw so much of him, in such a strong roll, that he is impressed on her mind.  Possible use of Asuka as a symbol of her childhood self (sees her loneliness and strong need for affection from her mother) and Kaji as a symbol for her father (because he paid attention to her and was nice to her, showing that she COULD be sexy and desirable). Ending will be her breaking the surface, having decided to come back, and either seeing Shinji and Asuka from afar, or realizing that she was only ever attracted to Ritsuko as a substitute for her mother.  Either way, I this should be a strong, uplifting piece, focusing on the hang-ups and misunderstood feelings of a relatively ignored, meek, confused young woman._

Pre-reading on this story was provided by 'Professor Pain' Ryoma, who complained that the scene with Maya and Ritsuko was not graphic enough.  Some people… *sigh*

Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com


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